Month: April 2019

Writing Exercise: National Enquirer Headlines

Then there are the unbelievable, over-the-top headlines of The National Enquirer. Try your hand at writing some scandalous, dramatic, shocking news topics. I also did this exercise years ago. Here are some I came up with:  

Child Stung by Man-of-War Attacks Classmates  

Man Discovers Egyptian Sarcophagus While Harvesting Radishes  

Painting Elephant Wins Nobel Peace Prize 

Man Struck by Lightning Grows Third Arm  

Winning Lottery Numbers Found on 18th Century Tombstone  

Flea Circus to Compete in 2020 Olympic Games 

Santa to Sell Reindeer, Buy Prius to Save the Environment  

Belching Goat Nominated for Grammy 

Hippopotamus Goes on Rampage, Destroys Renovated Movie Theatre 

Abominable Snowman Offended by the Term ‘Abominable’ 

Los Angeles Melts into a Giant, Quivering Mass 

Santa Claus Proclaimed International Spy 

Barracuda Injected with Zebra Saliva Grows Feathers 

Hardened Criminals to Hold Bake Sale 

Scientists Teach Whales to Use Twitter at Whale Summer Camp 

Sasquatch Meets Extra-Terrestrials at Starbucks for a Round of Mocha Lattes 

Writing Exercise: The Onion Headlines

Are you familiar with the newspaper The Onion? It’s basically the opposite of the National Inquirer. Instead of sensational headlines, the topics are mundane. Then a whole article is written about the subject or incident in the style of newspaper journalism. 

As a writing exercise, try writing headlines in the style of The Onion. I did this exercise several years ago. Here were some that I came up with:  

Giant Mastiff Slobbers Its Way into Owners’ Hearts 

Birthday Clown Wolfs Down 3 Slices of Ice Cream Cake at Party 

Woman Looks Horrible in Men’s XL Sports Jersey 

Wax Museum Has Been Freaking Out Visitors for Over 25 Years 

Lady With 19 Cats Grosses Out Neighbors 

File Clerk’s Boss ‘The Biggest Jerk Ever’ 

Eco-Conscious Burlap Wedding Gown a Flop 

Total Poseur Lands Mediocre Skateboarding Trick 

Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patient Can’t Take a Joke 

Birdcall Enthusiast Nerds Out in Chattahoochee National Forest 

Man’s Self-Given Nickname Rejected by Friends and Coworkers 

Manager’s Power Point Presentation a Snore 

Woman Swears Voodoo Doll Not Representation of Mother-in-Law, Despite Distinct Identifying Characteristics 

Hiker Disappointed He Didn’t Encounter Ghost in Haunted Forest

Best Friend Blabs Guarded Secrets to Mutual Acquaintances  

Tourist Can’t Figure Out Why Tarot Card Reader Was Laughing So Hard 

Non-Drinker Slams 2 Coke Zeroes After Mowing Lawn 

Woman with Embarrassing Ringtone Heckled on City Bus

Prim Grandmother Drops the F-Bomb During Family Barbecue 

Gator-on–a-Stick Tastes Like Chicken 

Man in Bar Tries to Be Extra Funny to Distract from Bad Haircut 

Restaurant Sued Over Insulting Fortune Cookie 

8-Year-Old Tricks Younger Brother into Trading His Crummy Old Dime for a Shiny New Nickel 

Coupon Clipper Can Fit 4 Weber Grills in the Back of Her Ford Explorer  

Overworked Cashier Too Lazy to Change TV Channel on Day Off 

Wet Blanket Peer Pressured into Toilet Papering Science Teacher’s Front Yard 

Man Renting DVD from Redbox Looks Just Like Einstein

Admission of Imaginary Friend Causes Awkward Silence in Break Room 

Mom Guilt Trips Teenage Son into Mopping Kitchen Floor on Saturday Afternoon

Bitter Neighbors Grudgingly Exchange Pleasantries While Getting the Mail 

Office Worker Tortures Coworkers with Photos of Granddogs

It’s All in the Details

It was election season. Sitting on top of a pile of papers to recycle was a letter from a politician, soliciting donations for their campaign. Various denominations were listed, along with ‘other’ next to a blank line. My brother had checked the ‘other’ box and had written ‘a million billion dollars’ on the line.   

That’s what I missed while on the road. When you talk on the phone every couple weeks (or months or years), people usually leave out these funny, everyday moments. They seem too small.  

But these moments help separate one day from the next. These lighthearted attitudes help get us through the day in a decent mood. They mean something.  

When you run into an old coworker or friend or classmate and they ask what you’ve been up to since they last saw you, it can feel like a pressure situation, like you need to say that you scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro, or won a Grammy, or that you cured Parkinson’s disease, or you opened your own successful five-star restaurant, when in reality, maybe you’re barely keeping it together, trying to wipe up the edges of the puddle before it spills off the counter and all over the floor. 

The next time someone asks you what’s new and you can’t think of a piece of major news, instead of saying ‘same ol’, same ol’,’ why not share a little anecdote? All they want is to connect with you. If you can make them laugh, even better.  

the smell of Green Lake
of rocks and the weathered pier
half fishy, half spring